I Don’t Want Pesach. But I Want to Want It.

I am not looking forward to Pesach. But I want to want to look forward to Pesach. It sounds contradictory, but it is the most honest way to describe where I am. It is about everything, not just about Pesach. I want to feel the fire. I want to care. I want to show up to mitzvos like they matter. Instead, I feel like I am standing outside of it, saying the words, going through the motions, waiting for something real to kick in.

Over the last few days, two songs by Zusha have been on repeat, and they felt too relatable not to share. One is “Burning to Be Light,” and the line, “I just wanna want it, to feel the fire deep inside,” says exactly what I could not put into words. I am not pushing back. I am just waiting for something to click, and it has not yet. The second is “Don’t Leave Me On My Own,” with the line, “Leis yichuda b’ila’ei v’tata’ei bar minach,” without you, there is something missing above and below. Even like this, without the fire, I still count. And as Shlomo Gaisin explains, the song is not us speaking to Hashem. It is Hashem speaking to us. “I want you to have it all, and I will never let you fall, and I will always be your friend.” There is no pressure to feel it first. You are being invited in anyway.

So maybe the move is not to force yourself to feel something you do not feel. That has not worked so far. Maybe the move is to stop waiting. To walk into Pesach like this. Not inspired. Not on fire. But honest. Hineni. Here I am. I want to want it, and that is what I have. And Hashem is saying back, we are in this together, do not leave Me on My own. You think you are waiting for Him, but He is waiting for you. Not for a better version of you. For you, exactly like this.

Good Shabbos

All the best

Avroham Y Ross